WTFriday! Blast From the Past–Swallowing: All Pros and No Cons

This post was originally published on Feb. 8. After leaving it up for a day, I took it down because it’s so…well…overtly bawdy. It was embarrassing to see others be so embarrassed at the writing. However, this summer, I could use all the material I can find. If you think you’ll get offended, you probably need to point your browser elsewhere. Like now. Happy WTFriday.

He just finished. The spotlight is on you. Nervously, you ask yourself, “Do I spit, or do I swallow? Do I spit, or do I swallow? Do I spit? Do I swallow? Do I spit then swallow? Swallow then spit? Spit? Swallow?”. Stop that. You should swallow every time, and here are 5 reasons why:

Hair & Nails(1) It contains protein. That means it’s awesome for your hair and nails. And if your hair and nails look awesome, maybe he’ll take you more seriously next time instead of just shoving your mouth onto his dick.
On second thought, he’s a guy. That’s never going to happen. But at least you’ll look pretty.

Miss Manners

(2) It’s the mannerly thing to do. Bolting to the bathroom sink and spitting screams, “Ew. You’re gross, and I don’t want your junk in my mouth or stomach.” Rude. You’ll take it and you’ll like it. Because Miss Manners says so.

Red Bull

(3) It’s like an energy drink. That stuff will give you a buzz like no other. Would you spit out Red Bull? Hell no. Drink up, girlfriend.
Pamela Anderson
(4) It makes your boobs bigger. You know you’re always worrying that they’re not large enough. Take a big gulp and worry no more. (Pamela’s results are atypical).

Juan Ponce de Leon(5) It gives you everlasting life. That’s right. His dick is the fountain of youth, and you’ve discovered it (to say the least). Take in every last drop of that life-giving goodness. Juan would be so proud.

“People can be induced to swallow anything, provide it is sufficiently seasoned with praise.” -Molière

On the Art of Bargain Shopping

Long gone are the years when mommy took me to American Eagle and Hollister to do shopping, and I’ve been forced to find ways to get as much out of a dollar as I can when it comes to clothes. Last August was rough: I blew half the money I allotted for fall shopping when I stepped into Banana Republic. Blowing money at Banana isn’t the issue, though. It becomes problematic when I step out of Banana with a grand total of two sweaters.

Outlet malls saved my life this past April. Best decision I’ve ever made. I’ve also started visiting places like TJ Maxx & Plato’s Closet. Hit and miss, but worth the time. TODAY, however, I discovered a store that isn’t worth my time, won’t ever be worth my time, and won’t ever see my face again: Ross.

Instead of just complaining about Ross, I figured I’ll give you a list of things you might be able to find there.

Mexican

For cultural enrichment.

Where: Men’s, women’s, lingerie, dressing rooms, sneaking a t-shirt out the front door.
Availability: 24/7/365

For the Mexicans.

Where: Front of store; greets you with a friendly “I’ll rape you if you steal that t-shirt” scowl.
Availability: Every day except Thursday, when he drives his mother to her weekly game of bridge.

For the urban audience.

Where: Pretty much everywhere in the Men’s department…especially in the “obnoxious bottoms” section.
Availability: Virtually unlimited. “Out of stock” may as well say “fourth horseman“.

For the homosexuals.

Where: Littered among & hidden behind the ever-so-popular “Hanes Classics”
Availability: Don’t hold your breath. Unless you’re an XXL. Those fatasses don’t seem to care much about fine undergarments.

For the thrifty asshole.

Where: Wayyyy in the back. Behind all those Sean John shirts.
Availability: Almost 0. And you won’t find a nice one like the picture. It’ll probably have some ghastly pattern.

For those dumb enough to try on hats.

Where: Untrackable.
Availability:
1:100000000 :: Mexican:Louse

And that’s just a short list of the many things you can find at Ross. Have you ever had an awful Ross experience? Know of any other shitty places to shop? Leave a comment below. I’d appreciate the knowledge.

We’re Coming Back! (We Swear)

So we haven’t posted anything in quite a while. It’s been a super long time, actually. But we’re coming back soon! We’ve just been distracted by more important things like studying for midterms and not letting our academics implode before our very eyes. That’s all. You’ll get a nice tweet and facebook update when we post something. Watch out.

Encyclopaedia Brown & the Case of the Desecrated Grave

In the time of the beyond-machines, there was this regiment of humans being trained  for the robot army. Now, humans had, until then, been kept for manual labor, target practice, and pleasure services. However, Arthur J. Robot was all like, “Hey, we should have a regiment of humans. They absorb bullets awesomely.” He went on to say, “Robot-penis.” Robot’s had no penises, you see. Only balls.

Balls

Robot Ball Factory

And all the robot high-ups agreed. They were all made of a brass-titanium alloy, you see, and were envious of the humans penis’ AND balls. The human regiment faced many hardships, the worst two of all being that the air was now made of steel, and food had been replaced with human. After extensive fire and death-laser training, the regiment was ready to fight the evil alien scourge from Circuitron 6, a planet also populated by robots. That’s why the word ‘circuit’ is in its name, though,  these robots were complete dicks. The metal beings of Circuitron 6 had killed all of the life on their planets, so they were at a disadvantage for laser and bullet shields. Unbeknownst to them, however, they shared a common ground with the Earth kill-computers. You see, the robots of Circuitron 6 were created without vaginas, but still had ovaries. A match made in Robo-Heaven, one might say…if they were a communist. Oh, and the regiment was led by Robot Gould Shaw played by Matthew Robroderick, by the way.

Inspector Gadget

FutureMirror™ depiction

There to train the men, was this awesome robot with a Robo-Irish accent and the bushiest mustache to ever co-exist with nature. And it was written that this mustache would bring an end to all war and hate,  in the end, however,  it didn’t, but that’s a story for another time. Let’s just say there was Warlocks, pieces of magic, and Thor’s mighty hammer, Mjolnir.

Thor

Thor considers it an insult if you don't immediately offer your Girlfriend to him when he walks in the room.

The robots soon sent the all-human regiment out to battle. However, in the middle of the fight, an odd flying machine appeared in the sky and started to abduct the humans. As it turned out, the humans were being made ready to undergo the next stage of evolution (except in Kansas). After a few months of gene-therapy, all the humans had gills, scales, and webbed everythings. After that, the flying machine dropped them into the ocean where they discovered and populated the mystical kingdom of Atlantis, long forgotten by time and the elements. Unfortunately, there was something…not of this Earth living in the deep, dark places of the Earth and it soon struck at the human/fishman empire, destroying whole settlements and forcing the newly-made Atlanteans to flee to the evil, but still awesomely cyberpunk surface world. As it turned out, the ancient evil in the waters was capable of going to the surface and was in fact, made stronger by Earth’s yellow sun and Earth’s second off-white sun (it hasn’t happened yet). Then there were some awesome explosions, and Bruce Willis said something witty. In the end, pretty much everything looked like the VHS cover to Escape from New York, or in other words, Kurt Russell-Awesome.

Kurt Russell

Kurt Russell's Journey through the meaning of Badass continues.

by Dane Matthews

“Encyclopaedia Brown & the Case of the Desecrated Grave” is the first installment in D&C’s “WTFriday” series. We didn’t get the idea for the series until we read this piece.

17 Score and 9 Readers Ago…

…we started this blog. 128 people decided to stop by just yesterday. Or perhaps 1 person refreshed the page 128 times. We’d like to think WordPress wouldn’t count that kind of activity as a “view”, but you never know. Either way, we’re pretty excited that people are reading. Thanks for being one of them.

Graph

Our Popularity, as seen on a line graph.

Baby On Board

So, you went ahead and ignored the majority of our advice, choosing painful childbirth over quick-and-easy infanticide. Probably because you know abortion is wrong and you’re too good of a person to make such a stupid, spontaneous decision, right? Didn’t think so………slut.
Pleasantries aside, let’s consider the fact that you are now in the possession of a tiny human for which you are responsible. Reality hits you like a ton of bricks, and you realize “Oh no, I’m not a fit parent for this child. Whatever shall I do? Whatever?” Well, you have a few options when dealing with that little mini-you that you popped out.

Mini Me

Not to be confused.

Plan A
You might consider the “A” word. No, not abortion. It’s too late for that, you had your chance, and at this point it would just be baby-killing. We’re talking about adoption. Sure, that’s your flesh and blood we’re talking about, but it’s not as if there’s some emotional attachment here. In fact, we’re pretty sure you’re dead inside. “But if I don’t want it,” you ask, “why would somebody else want my baby?”

Brad  Pitt

Damned if we know.

Plan B
Remember when we said that abortion was no longer an option? Well, it’s still NOT. Once you get to the 4th trimester, murder’ll probably start to be frowned upon. So DON’T kill your baby. In fact, there are many ways in which you should NOT kill your baby. DON’T toss it out of a moving car. DON’T punt it off a bridge. DON’T strap it to the back of a bull and expect it to last 8 seconds. Trust us, they never do. Got the message yet? DON’T kill your baby. DON’T kill your baby. Don’t KILL YOUR BABY.

Busey

Wink, wink.

Plan C
What’s that? You had yet another change of heart and decided to keep it after all? Whoop-dee-doo. At this rate, you’ll be back in 5 minutes trying to pawn the little bastard off on us again, but for now, we might as well give you some worthwhile advice on child-rearing. Hell, if you’re not bent over laughing at the thought of “rearing a child,” you just might make it. Come to think of it, there’s not much to it that you shouldn’t have figured out already. Give the baby food, water, and something to sleep in, and it’ll probably be fine. Unless you think that means a Slim Jim, sippy cup full of bourbon, and a pile of newspapers. On second thought, a drunken baby would be pretty funny. You know what? Go ahead and do whatever you want. If you’re coming to us for advice, it’s probably too late to save the poor thing anyway. At this point, we can only hope that it grows up to be a healthy, sane human being.

Tom Cruise

Pictured: None of the above.

by Luke Lloyd

Luke Lloyd is an expert on modern child-rearing. He is a sought-after guest lecturer internationally and a highly respected authority in his profession. Well, maybe he’s none of those things. Read his mini-biography here.
Lloyd’s “Baby On Board” is a follow-up to “Bad Decision? You have options
“.

Bad Decision? You have options.

So you did something last night. You shouldn’t have done it. At the time, it was awesome. Fast-forward to a broken condom or premature ejaculation. You have a potentially giant issue. Well, maybe not giant. It’s more of a microscopic issue that’s growing inside you a little every day. “What are my options?”, you ask. Let us explain…

Le Condom
Plan A
We’ll start with the basics: your best friend, the condom. The condom isn’t really a solution, but it is a solid preventative step. If you’re reading this, you either failed to use one or the condom failed you. For future reference: that condom in his wallet that’s been there since 6th grade? Best left unused. Splurge and buy some new ones before your next terrible decision.

Plan B
Plan B
Plan B is really awesome in that its name is Plan B. So if you’re still drunk or high the next morning and your memory isn’t on point, you’ll have no trouble answering “What is Plan B?”. It’s Plan B, dumbass. Just stroll on over (or take a pensive walk, head hung low in shame) to your nearest drugstore. If mom has access to your online banking, use cash. This shit can be expensive, and an uncharacteristically large 9am purchase at Rite-Aid could appear suspect.

Coat Hanger

Plan C
This is your chance to tap into all those dormant creative abilities your kindergarten teacher always said you had. If you’ve gone down the chain and arrived at this solution, the shit has clearly hit the fan. But as they say, where there’s a will, there’s a way. The main advantage to this solution is that the wire coat hanger is found in most closets. Unless you use cedar hangers because you’re too classy. Irony.

Staircase
Plan D
The last ditch effort. You can throw yourself down, or you could have someone push you. If you’re into that. Just try not to break your neck.

Juno
Plan E
Let it grow, let it grow, let it grow. Best wishes for parenthood.

*Dave & Collin do not condone or condemn abortion. Pro-life? Pro-choice? Not for us to say here. We just appreciate a good laugh, and you should, too.